self-portrait challenge: day eighteen

I wasn't really feeling it yesterday. Actually, to be honest, I've been rather drained of inspiration the last several days. I've been doing too much editing, too much website work. Work where I'm just sitting and not creating. I've not been filling myself up with inspiration by reading books or watching tv shows or movies. Usually when I am working so constantly on the editing side of photography, I'll be listening to radio dramas and the like to keep some inspiration flowing and keep myself sane... this week, I decided to forgo that and just listen to photography interviews and shows, since I have so many piled up. I don't think that helped the situation, though I always learn alot and it helps me to refocus on where I am going.

So, I put off taking my picture and put it off... finally deciding around bedtime that I would do something under my blanket. My original concept was to be like a little kid, hiding under a tent of blankets to read. I took one or two of those shots, and hated it. Just didn't like it. Still wasn't feeling it and it definitely showed. Then, I noticed the shadows I was making on the blankets, and I knew what I wanted. For a few minutes, the fog cleared, and I did something like I usually do when I make my self portraits... I vented an emotion. I've been taking self portraits for months, but only when I needed to express something. To have an extreme purpose, more than just knowing what shot I wanted and predefining the emotion (which is how I have been working for this project), I vented something real. I've felt smothered and stifled, trapped and trying to escape. And in two shots, I knew I had what I wanted.

I edited it last night, got everything done then. I could have put it up. But then I hesitated. Because it is weird. Because it's different. Abstract. A little dark and twisted looking. Because my family reads this blog, and I always worry in the back of my mind what they will think. I think this is magnified because, while I am an adult, I am still living at home and that is an added pressure. It's easier to post stuff when I am not here. "Well," I justified, "I took the picture. There is no rule that says I have to post it." But I do. This month has been about stretching myself, and that means breaking free from the fear of what my family will think. To let go and not worry about pleasing them, because in the back of my head I know I have created things and will continue to create things that they wouldn't like or approve of. It's not rebellion. It's liberation.

So I hit publish. After all, why not?