self-portrait challenge: day thirty

It's day thirty! I'm done! I made it! I am sooo glad that month is over! But at the same time, I'm oddly going to miss it...

I don't know what I hoped to walk away from this challenge having gained. I have to say, I really hadn't thought about it. I considered that I might get better at self-portraiture, which up to this point, was something that I had only dabbled in. It was certainly never something I had considered posting here! There is something about self-portraiture that is very vulnerable. It is just so different than taking a photo of someone else... I don't know how to explain it, but you are putting an element and depth of yourself into the picture that you don't in anything else you shoot, in my opinion. I don't think you can. It's the vulnerability. You are not just creating an idea and having someone else model it. You are coming up with the idea and modeling it as well. It makes you feel so, so vulnerable. Almost like you are baring your soul.

Over the last month, I have become convinced that nothing is better than that vulnerability though. I came away from this changed, and in many ways, a completely different person. That was an effect I never thought this challenge would have, and it is one I would not trade for the world. I view myself so differently... instead of just seeing my flaws, I now see things that are okay. A mental shift happened a few days in, and I stopped seeing me as myself, and instead started seeing me as the subject. Part of that might have been because I refused to edit anything (no nose jobs here! ;)), but I don't think that was all of it. I think I just saw myself clearly for the very first time.

I also view my mind and my personality differently. I feel like I became more confident in me. In who I am. In not apologizing for it. That has been a process I embarked on over a year ago, but it really came to the front during the challenge. I have taken pictures I have never shown because I was afraid of what people would think. But I couldn't do that during this. If I created wanting to please other people, then I wasn't showing what was inside of me, and the picture fell flat. It had to mean something to me, and if someone didn't like it, then I couldn't worry about it. For the first time, I completely freed myself from the boundaries of what I "thought" was acceptable, and just created. Some days more than others, but I made some pictures I never would have shown to anyone before. It was liberating. Okay, so I can be dark and twisted at times. That is okay. It's me. It's what I like to create... it's always been what I like to create, ever since I was a little kid. I shouldn't be trying to change that now.

To conclude this long post... I recommend that everyone do this at least once in their life. Even if you aren't a photographer, if you have a camera, you should do this. If you can draw, you should do this. If you can somehow capture an essence of yourself, do this. Take thirty days, throw inhibition to the wind, and do it. Don't worry about what other people will think, don't worry if what you are doing is good or not. Just do it. And most important, create what your mind and heart want to create.